Grey is the colour of my November.
For, this is the month when the inevitable happens… winter comes. This year it arrived with a bang, a three-day rain/snow event that left us with wet, heavy snowdrifts along with a new reality.
The dogs didn’t seem to mind although Odin did initially seem a little puzzled.
November is also the month that marks the anniversary of Roland’s passing. It’s been two years now and, for the most part, I feel I am doing better.
But… November has me falling backwards.
The November days, and even more so the nights, are a struggle. I find myself back in that place where Grey lives inside me. I am learning to accept this but am humbled and a little shaken by the loneliness and sadness that still live here.
Roland loved his dogs. I miss him and the life we shared every day.
“Little by little, we let go of loss, but never of love.”
November is not without its splash of colour… and I have my grandkids to thank for this. From October 22 to November 30, five of them have birthdays.
These kids help me remember the good.
And then there are the W.A.S. dogs! They own my heart.
These are but some of the November adoptables. So many great dogs needing good homes…
That leaves my two, Odin and Lacie… where would I be without them! They get me up and out and, more often than not, have me smile.
So yes, November is a tough month and I suspect, for me, that’s just the way it is and will be.
But writing this, and seeing the photos pop up on screen does help.
I guess I have to hold my gratitudes a little closer…
and try to remember to just breathe.
my brain and heart divorced two years ago over who was to blame about how big of a mess I have become eventually, they couldn't be in the same room with each other now my head and heart share custody of me I stay with my brain during the week and my heart gets me on weekends they never speak to one another - instead, they give me - the same note to pass - to each other every week and their notes they send to one another always says the same thing: "This is all your fault" on Sundays my heart complains about how my head has let me down in the past and on Wednesday my head lists all of the times my heart has screwed things up for me in the future they blame each other for the state of my life there's been a lot of yelling - and crying so, lately, I've been spending a lot of time with my gut who serves as my unofficial therapist most nights, I sneak out of the window in my ribcage and slide down my spine and collapse on my gut's plush leather chair that's always open for me ~ and I just sit sit sit sit until the sun comes up last evening, my gut asked me if I was having a hard time being caught between my heart and my head I nodded I said I didn't know if I could live with either of them anymore "my heart is always sad about something that happened yesterday while my head is always worried about something that may happen tomorrow," I lamented my gut squeezed my hand "I just can't live with my mistakes of the past or my anxiety about the future," I sighed my gut smiled and said: "in that case, you should go stay with your lungs for a while," I was confused - the look on my face gave it away "if you are exhausted about your heart's obsession with the fixed past and your mind's focus on the uncertain future your lungs are the perfect place for you there is no yesterday in your lungs there is no tomorrow there either there is only now there is only inhale there is only exhale there is only this moment there is only breath and in that breath you can rest while your heart and head work their relationship out." this morning, while my brain was busy reading tea leaves and while my heart was staring at old photographs I packed a little bag and walked to the door of my lungs before I could even knock she opened the door with a smile and as a gust of air embraced me she said "what took you so long?" ~ John Roedel (johnroedel.com)
**** This post is part of the 2021 Life With Dogs photography project. ****